ATLANTA, GA – According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control released on Thursday, people with inside, compromising knowledge of Bill and Hillary Clinton’s financial and political dealings are 843% more likely to commit suicide.

As the nation’s police departments have received much-needed funding following a dangerously underfunded year, economists are reporting a surge in donut sales.

One person in Queens complained about a neighbor shouting that he is a “sexual-tyrannosaurus.”